Not the Real Me
by Del Schiz
Summary: Raya, and how she really feels about her position in the band. [JEM Stars universe, if you please...]


**Not the Real Me**  
a jem fanfic by d.l. schizoauthoress

_A girl who plays the fool,  
That's not the real me.  
If ever I don't seem to care...  
Just look into my eyes and you'll see  
(That's not) That's not the real me._

Raya hated being a Hologram, sometimes. She especially hated being "the new girl".

It hadn't always been like this, of course. In the beginning, she'd be excited and happy  
to be part of one of the biggest rock bands of the eighties. When Shana returned to  
the band, she'd thought that her days as a Hologram were all over. And though they  
weren't, Raya had been pushed into the background, dismissed as a publicity stunt  
and a fifth wheel.

How many times had Raya heard: "Jem and the Holograms were so much better before  
they got that new drummer!", "She just doesn't play the way that Shana used to!",  
and "It was all a stupid marketing ploy...did you see how fast Shana came back?"? In  
her opinion, far too many. Sometimes, she wanted to hurt the critics and fans that  
spouted such nonsense. She never let on that she felt that way, though. Such   
behavior...indeed, possibly such thoughts...would probably get her kicked out.

She still remembered the Rock Out Illiteracy concert in Philadelphia. Roxy, the bass  
player of the Misfits, had thrown a street fair in the same neighborhood that Jem and the  
Holograms had set up their venue. Most of the people in the area had headed for the  
Roxy Rumble, which made everyone in the band, especially Shana, upset.

"Ooh! Roxy's done a real number on us this time!" Shana had cried, "No one's coming to  
hear what we have to say about illiteracy!"

Raya understood why Shana had been so upset. She remembered hearing about Tony  
Cassini's fashion show in Venice about a year ago, and Kimber had told her (after she  
joined the band) how Roxy and the other two Misfits at the time had called up Shana  
and badmouthed the woman's talent for design. So Shana had a right to hold a grudge  
against Roxy.

It reminded Raya of how she'd felt upon seeing one of her father's prized orchids tucked  
into the hair of that witch, Jetta. Raya had felt great, letting that cocky little _gringa_  
really have it, both with her words and actions. Several strands of Jetta's black hair had  
come out with the flower when Raya had yanked it free. What she'd done then,  
surrounded and outnumbered by the Misfits, was a lot more satisfying than what she usually  
did around the Holograms.

Still, Raya had tried to play the peacemaker (a role she was familiar with as the only girl  
in a large family of sons) by suggesting, "Couldn't we talk to her? Maybe if we explained   
how important our campaign is...?"

"Are you crazy?" Kimber had exclaimed, looking at Raya in disbelief. "Help, from Roxy?  
Fat chance!"

Raya had seen the agreement in the rest of the band's expressions. She was getting  
used to having her ideas shot down. Even though Kimber was supposed to be Raya's friend,  
and give her support...

But then, Ba Nee had asked, "Couldn't we just try?" in a sweet voice that made Raya  
cringe inside. She knew manipulative tones when she heard them (how many times had  
her little brothers tried to keep her from telling Mama when they broke something?), and  
Ba Nee was laying it on pretty thick.

Then Jem had given in to Ba Nee, and gone along with the suggestion that had originally  
been Raya's! Oh, it made Raya's blood boil! The band could listen to a little nine-year-old   
orphan girl, but not their new drummer! It was like they thought that Ba Nee was more of  
a peer than she was.

Sometimes, Raya wished that she had given Jem's secret to Eric Raymond, even if he and  
Jetta had wrecked her father's nursery. She didn't like being in the public eye as much as   
she though she would, and all the disparaging comments were getting to her. Still, she tried  
her best to present a sweet face to the world. Even her mother and father.

Mostly, though, Raya wished that she could be her real self. The Raya that everybody  
thought they knew was just as fake as Jem.


End file.
